Farke News – Ipswich Rejects

It’s been a busy time for our county cousins this summer, with new manager Paul Hurst taking the reins from Mick McCarthy.

The former Shrewsbury gaffer could be a canny appointment for the Town and he certainly won’t be daunted by the big-match atmosphere at Portman Road with the Shrews regularly pulling in crowds of 5,000.

Fingers crossed, it will be a catastrophic reign. But it took a while for Ipswich to get their man after a number of low-key targets rejected the club’s advances. Let’s take a look at those who said no to the Blues…

Mick McCarthy
Mick already had the job in the bag, after six glorious years with the Tractor Boys, when he left the manager’s Portakabin for the final time. Tired of rolling turds in glitter while key stakeholders yelled obscenities at him, Mick opted to watch Flog It!and getting under his wife’s feet.

Jack Ross
St Mirren boss Jack Ross turned Ipswich down in order to take over at the creaking ghost ship that is AFC Sunderland. Ross it seemed, prefered to dig his way out of a shit-bog with a spork, in English football’s third tier, than take control at Town.

Danny Cowley
Cowley was on the hitlist for the top job in Suffolk too, but the 39-year-old preferred fourth-tier football with the Imps instead. Cowley’s rebuttal must have dented Town’s pride considerably, like being rejected by a sex worker for having bad breath. It’s not really like that at all, but is still kinda like that.

Frank Lampard
Lamps had two interviews with Town this spring, but ultimately was not impressed with the proposed ‘war chest’, consisting of a barely-in-credit PayPal account and the promise of a 5% dividend from every hot dog sold on matchdays.

A photocopy of John Wark
Another candidate on Town’s shortlist was a photocopy of legendary Town player John Wark’s face, which had been glued to a balloon. The ITFC board was split over the fans’ favourite – who impressed in a series of interviews – after it made a number of ‘unreasonable demands’.

The Ipswich Twins on Norwich Market
The negotiations between Ipswich and the twins on Norwich Market were the most protracted according to a source at the club – who saw them as a dynamic dream team. Ultimately it was to be a no from the flower sellers, although fellow market trader Noddy – who sells dog biscuits and squeaky bones next door – had kindly offered to mind the stall.

Others who said no to ITFC… Buck’s Fizz, Alan Brazil’s driver, a daddy longlegs from Copdock and Justin Lee Collins…